


Sink or Swim

by sssammich



Series: Sidelines (Tobin's POV) [3]
Category: Women's Soccer RPF
Genre: Complete, F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-17
Updated: 2012-12-17
Packaged: 2017-11-21 09:39:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,453
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/596246
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sssammich/pseuds/sssammich
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's a choice that can win her everything or lose her everything</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sink or Swim

**Author's Note:**

> Final part of Tobin's POV of the Sidelines series. Stay tuned for evershadow's concluding response fic, the last part of the entire series.

 

Her instinct tells her to run.

She’s already up and on her feet and halfway out the door when she hears Alex’s voice echoing in her ears, calling back for her.

She bolts out of Alex’s apartment and down the stairs wishing nothing more than to put the distance between them. By the time she reaches her car, her whole body is shaking.

She grips the entire steering wheel and hurries out of the parking lot, not once looking back. She considers it a miracle when she comes off the road unscathed, her mind far too occupied to have focused on driving.

When she pulls into her spot, she turns the ignition off and sits in her car, staring off into space. The words play on loop in her mind, Alex’s voice ringing in her ears.

_He was right._

She grips the steering wheel with both hands until her knuckles are white, shaking it as she takes her anger out. She shakes the wheel even harder until the car shakes with her. She’s screaming at the top of her lungs, screaming the outburst of emotions that she can no longer contain. She screams until her throat is hoarse and she’s run out of breath. She screams because she doesn’t have any more words.

She’d done her best to add the distance between them. She’d done everything that she could to sleep at night with less heartache than the night before. Why wasn’t that enough? Why weren’t her efforts enough?

When she catches her breath until it evens out, she gathers herself to make the trek to her apartment. Her heart weighs heavy with each step. She throws her keys on the table and heads for the bathroom to clean herself up. She ignores Kelley sitting by her computer on the couch staring at her. She can hear Kelley’s voice but she can’t decipher the words.

As if in a trance, she lets the door click shut before turning the shower handle to Hot and resigning herself in the tub with her legs pulled to her chest. She covers her face with her hands and sobs into them, defeat overtaking her body.

She wipes her face with her hands even with the onslaught of water cascading from her head until her fingers brush on her lips, where Alex had been not too long ago. Her index finger lingers at a spot before slowly tracing its outline. The memory punches her square in the chest and the anger flares up again. She’s almost clawing at her mouth as she washes her lips clean.

Kelley calls for her name but she can’t hear her. Kelley’s voice is muffled by the distance of her mind, by the water, by the pulse in her ears reminding her that while she still has this heart, she’ll still feel the pain.

She barely notices the water being cut off. But she feels Kelley’s hands stop hers from hitting her face. Her friend is quick to wrap her arms around Tobin’s abdomen as she takes the space behind her, her legs on either side. Soaked to the bone, Tobin flips herself in the cramped tub and buries her head in Kelley’s embrace and lets her roommate hold her because she’s too drained to do it herself.

She’d done her best. She’d done what she felt she had to do. Why hadn’t that been enough?

*

The morning after leaves her exhausted beyond measure. Her limbs feel like sandbags that forces her to want nothing but to turn over in her bed and shut her eyes, forgetting everything that had happened.

She hears the knock on her door and manages a small, weak grunt. Kelley pokes her head inside.

“Hey.”

“Hey,” she says, her voice hoarse and gravelly. She sighs after she hears how terrible she sounds before pushing herself up.

“How are you holding up?” Kelley asks her as she takes the empty spot on the edge of her bed.

“Miserable.” She plops herself back down and covers her eyes with her hands.

“Are you gonna tell me or am I gonna have to guess?”

She licks her dry lips before exhaling loudly. “Alex kissed me last night.”

She peeks out from underneath her hand just in time to witness the shock on Kelley’s face.

“That bitch!”

“Hey,” she admonishes, giving her roommate a stern look.

“Doesn’t she know you have a girlfriend? Doesn’t she know _she_ has a _boyfriend_?” Had it happened to anybody else, Tobin would have been amused with Kelley’s reactions. But she wasn’t anybody else and it happened to her and those reactions only serve as a reminder of what had transpired the night before.

“They broke up.”

“Oh my god.”

“Please, Kel, I don’t really wanna talk about it.”

Kelley puts her hands up in surrender. “Fine. But at some point you’re gonna have to because…” She reaches into her pocket and retrieves Tobin’s phone. “…this has been blowing up since late last night. I think you should give Sean a call.”

Without another word, her roommate places a motherly kiss on her forehead before offering a small smile and making her way out of the room. Alone again, Tobin checks her phone to find a slew of phone calls and messages from her girlfriend. As she’s scrolling through, she freezes in her spot seeing Alex’s name and message.

_I’m sorry._

*

She fakes the courage to call her girlfriend but realizes that she can’t avoid her forever. It’s not fair to either of them that she locks herself away wallowing because of another woman.

“Hey, sorry. Some stuff came up that I had to deal with,” she says finally, clutching her phone to her ear as she stares out of her window.

“Well are you okay? Is everything okay?”

She has to clear her throat to refrain from crying. “Yeah, I’m fine. Everything’s fine. I just have to take care of it.”

“Tobin, if there’s something you need to talk about, you know I’m here for you.”

She rests her head on the window pane and closes her eyes realizing that she can’t keep going on like this. “I know. I, uh, I know.”

*

She feels like a lost stray when she shows up in front of Megan’s door.

“Remember that conversation we had about being in love with your straight best friend?”

Megan opens her mouth only to close it shut, wordless from the sudden appearance at her doorstep. It takes her a few seconds to register what Tobin’s asking her.

“The hypothetical one?” Tobin nods. “Sure, yeah.”

“What happens?”

“With what?”

“What happens if the straight best friend loves you back?” she asks, her voice trembling.

“Oh.” Tobin watches as Megan pushes herself back to let her in. “Let’s talk about this inside.” She steps in but doesn’t move away from the foyer, desperate for the answers that have eluded her up to this point.

“What do you do then?”

Megan scratches her head a little before ushering the both of them to the couch. “I guess you decide between trying this relationship or staying friends, you know?"

“But what if I don’t know?!” Tobin barely registers the change in her wording as tears prick at her eyes.

Her teammate clears her throat. "That's the price you pay for opening your heart to love. Sometimes you just don't know. Sometimes you have to decide which is worth more: taking the risk or not.”

"But what if-what if this is everything you've ever wanted and the only thing keeping you from just going for it is the thought that one day she'll wake up and realize she's really straight? That she doesn't want me? And I’ve given her everything because I’ve trusted her." She’s quick to wipe the tear that escapes from her eye, her focus set on needing to know what to do.

“It's your choice to make, Tobin. You have to ask yourself if it's worth protecting yourself so much that you give up something potentially beautiful.” Megan places an encouraging hand on her shoulder. “But there’s always a choice.”

*

“Are you sure you wanna do this?”

She looks at her roommate’s concerned expression.

“Yeah, I have to.”

“I’ll be over at Hope’s if you need anything, okay?” Kelley springs for a hug and she lets the shorter woman’s embrace reassure her of what she’s about to do. With one last wave goodbye, her roommate leaves her alone in their apartment.

Not five minutes after Kelley leaves, there’s a knock at the door. She takes three calming breaths before opening the door.

“Hi,” she says as she offers her most genuine smile.

“Hey.” Sean steps forward and kisses her. As much as she wishes for Sean to cover Alex’s kiss from last night, all she feels is the ghost of Alex’s lips on hers.

“Are you feeling better? Did you take care of what you needed to take care of?”

“That’s why I called you, actually.” There’s confusion on Sean’s face but otherwise follows Tobin to the couch and waits for her explanation.

“Baby, what’s going on?”

Tobin sighs. “It’s about Alex.”

The words trickle out of her mouth slow at first but before she knows it, she’s revealed the contents of her heart in front of her. She does her best to look at Sean in the eye, to show that she can be more than cowardly like she has been; that she can be brave.

When she’s done, Sean doesn’t speak. As much as Tobin needs to fill the deafening silence, she refrains from breaking it and just waiting for her girlfriend to respond as she wishes. The silence gets to her, though, and she leans forward anxious for a response.

“Please, please say something.”

Finally, Sean looks at her and places a hand on her knee. Tobin seeks comfort at the touch.

“I don’t do complicated, Tobin. And what you two have is complicated.”

“I know, but-”

“Are you over her?”

She hesitates and turns her head. It’s the question that she’s asked herself numerous times only to come up empty-handed.  Sean pats her knee but pulls her hand away and Tobin thinks it’s more than just her hand she’s pulling away.

“It’s okay, you know. It’s fine if you’re not. But I don’t think this thing between us can work until you are.”

“Are you breaking up with me?” she asks, confusion etched on her face.

“I really like you, Tobin, I do. But I’m not going to sit here and wonder if there’s anything between you and your best friend. That’s a road I’ve been on before.”

“But there isn’t-”

“Think about it first,” Sean interrupts. “Don’t just yell out what you think you’re supposed to say. When you sort yourself out, give me a call. You know where to find me.”

She stands when her girlfriend – now ex – does.

“Wait, Sean…please, I told you because I like you.”

The woman in front of her places a hand on her cheek. “I know. But I don’t think it’s good for either of us to stick around when you’re still unsure. I’m sure about liking you because there’s no one else.”

She gently pushes her face to the touch when Sean’s lips make contact with her cheek, savoring the last contact they’ll probably have for a while. “I’ll see you around, Tobin. Take care of yourself.”

Tobin watches as Sean lets herself out without so much as a last glance. And maybe that’s for the best. She touches her cheek and closes her eyes.

A part of her hates herself a little bit when the first image that appears is Alex’s face.

*

She stares at the apology on her phone. It’s been almost two days since it was sent and she thinks that she – they – can’t go on like this. And it’s been no more than twenty-four hours that she’d become recently single which only adds to the heaviness of her heart. All she wants to do is crawl into bed and let the days pass until both her mind and heart have gone numb. But she knows that she has an obligation to fix things before it’s too late. The anger and frustration, the confusion and the betrayal that’s stewed long enough inside of her doesn’t match the guilt that swallows her whole knowing that if it hadn’t been for her, none of this would have happened.

Each passing moment, the image of Alex staring at her with such vulnerability is engraved deeper and deeper into her skull until she can’t see anything else. The way that Alex’s eyes were searching for confirmation that she was doing the right thing. The way Alex leaned forward closing in on her until the gap between them disappeared. The way Alex was doing everything Tobin had ever wanted if it wasn’t for the fact that she’d gone about it in the worst way possible.

She reaches up to the cross around her neck when she realizes that Alex hadn’t been wearing the heart necklace that’s kept Tobin away. While her cross gave her strength, the heart around Alex’s neck had become her weakness. It was the constant reminder of whose heart would never belong to her. She almost took solace in its presence knowing that whatever she gave her best friend, the same couldn’t be reciprocated, not the way she wanted it to.

But now, Alex had thrown her world upside down. And she needs to put it back before she loses herself.

Before she comes to regret it, she presses the Reply button on her phone.

_Can you meet me at the church in half an hour?_

As soon as she hits Send, she regrets her decision but she knows she can’t take it back. The wait for a response is no more than thirty seconds, but each moment twists Tobin’s heart in anguish.

_Ok._

*

She finds Alex sitting some rows up, her head hanging low. She takes a deep breath in hopes that being in this place would help steel her inside. Her shoes make soft pattering sounds on the carpet, but Alex doesn’t dare turn around. She takes the empty spot a foot away from her best friend, her eyes trained on the crucifix of Jesus up ahead.

“I didn’t think you’d meet me after what I did.” Alex’s voice is raspier than normal, as if she’d been crying, and it gives Tobin the reassurance that she’s not the only one.

Though she’s smart enough to know that the tears aren’t just for her.

“I’ll always feel responsible for what happened,” she whispers, afraid that if she speaks any louder, her voice would crack.

Alex turns to face her. “It takes two people to make or break a relationship, Tobin.”

She fiddles with the hem of her shirt and recalls the slow disintegration of their friendship into an emotional mess that now sit in a pew, isolated from the world, with God only as their witness.

“Why now? Why now when things are finally going back to normal?”

Alex lets out a small bitter laugh. “It hasn’t been normal for a while.”

Seeing her like this makes Tobin feel the sting of being the cause for all of this hurt for her best friend deepen.

“Six months ago, maybe even a month ago, I’d have wanted nothing more than for you to do what you did the other night.”

“But you feel different now?”

She finally looks her best friend in the eye. “I was doing so well, Alex. I was doing everything I could to get over you.”  Alex stays silent beside her biting her lip, just watching her. “I even told Sean about you – about how I was in love with you for the longest time…”

“What did she say?”

She slumps in her seat. “She broke up with me. She said she didn’t do complicated and this thing between us is too complicated for her. And when she asked me if I was over you…”

“What did you tell her?”

“I didn’t answer her; I couldn’t.”

She stares up at her God in front of her and wishes He’d take pity on their brokenness and tell them how to heal.

“What do we do now?” The same vulnerability presents itself in Alex’s eyes and Tobin has half a mind not to look away.

“What do you want? Like, really want?”

Alex dips her head down before meeting her gaze. “I want to stop feeling like I’m always on the brink of losing you.”

“You’ll never lose me, though.”

“We’ve had too many close calls.”

“But we always make it through. We have to; you said that.”

“What about you? What do you want?”

“I want simple again. I want this complicated thing between us to uncomplicate itself.”

“Are you saying you don’t want to be with me?”

“I’m saying that maybe we should be single for a while. We just got out of relationships and I think it’s better if we don’t jump into anything. If things happen, then things happen. But I don’t want to jump into it blind.”

Alex braves placing a hand on her forearm. “What about us?”

She sighs, looking down at Alex’s hand on her. With her free hand, she pats it just as she turns her face away and stares back up at the crucifix, praying for strength now more than ever.

“If it’s in God’s plan, then it’s in God’s plan. I guess we’ll just wait and see.”

*

Their waiting and seeing is slow. But she pushes through it as best as she can. She shifts her focus to her recently ended relationship and mourns it as she should. The tears don’t appear, having cried herself dry. She hides in her room and affords herself the time to be sad about a relationship with someone who was good to her.

But as the days pass, even she can admit that she needs more than someone being good to her.

Where Sean had things that Tobin wanted in someone, Alex had things Tobin never knew she needed. Where Sean was a burning candle that lit a part of her world, Alex was an exploding sun that swallowed her completely into her light.

Tobin should have known she never really had a fighting chance.

*

Ever the chivalrous friend, she holds the door open for her teammates as they exit out of the gym heading for the parking lot. Alex is the last in line, a polite smile on her face. Tobin’s eyes are trained on her as Alex takes each step forward until they’re almost face to face.

There are words that are bubbling inside that she wants to voice aloud, but doesn’t feel courageous enough to say them.

“Good game,” she offers, extending a balled fist up. She wonders if she opens her hand up, Alex would take it. She only tightens her fist.

The smile on Alex’s face widens as she bumps her own fist up to Tobin’s. “Thanks. You too.”

The contact between them is short, hardly worth the consideration, but she still revels in it. She tries not to think too much about why. Instead, she smiles in return.

Her teammate starts to walk away, but rather than following her as they head to their cars, Tobin stops herself.

She looks on to Alex’s retreating figure and is momentarily transported back to a time that feels like millions of years ago when the sun was in her eyes and her heart was in her throat and Alex was in love with someone else.

Tobin considers calling her name out to watch her turn around, to watch her approaching figure instead of retreating one but she stops herself.

The sun’s still in her eyes, her heart’s still in her throat, but Alex is in love with her and Tobin’s still too afraid to know what to do with any of it.

*

After a couple of weeks of uncertain moves, they manage to hit a rhythm that feels a lot like progress. They establish a new normal along the way. There are glimpses in their lives Tobin feels are reminiscent of how they used to be. Congratulatory hugs without reservations, sitting side by side on the bus, joking around with their teammates like neither of them are carrying this certain heaviness in their chest about the other.

Even the simple act of looking at each other and smiling doesn’t feel as guarded or forced. There are still moments though, intimate moments, which feel forbidden to her. She’ll steal a glance and just watch Alex run drills across the field wishing that her friend would look her way. Much the same, she sometimes feels eyes trained on her during mealtimes and she fights to turn her head to find a pair of eyes staring at her.

They’ve had their fair share of lingering touches, ones that are deceivingly harmless, but each one burns into her skin. She’s always keenly aware when it’s Alex touching her because her insides ignite like wildfire and there’s no stopping it.

But whenever she feels like she’s reached a decision, she’s crippled with her doubts and fears. The trouble lies when she thinks she can take the jump forward across that white line, it’ll all vanish into thin air and she’ll be left reeling into herself.

She’d be the fool that fell for the girl who never really loved her back the way she wanted to be loved.

She’d hit that wall once before, she doesn’t want to crash and burn a second time.

So she waits and she waits and she waits.

*

It’s been a couple of months since Tobin has last seen Sean. So it takes her and Kelley by complete, though pleasant, surprise to see her ex-girlfriend at the local Starbucks.

She accepts the offered hug before taking a step back. Kelley excuses herself to order their drinks while they catch up.

“It’s good to see you,” she offers, genuinely meaning it.

“You too. Is that a new beanie? It looks good.” Self-consciously, she touches the new blue beanie on her head, touched that Sean would and did notice.

“Thanks. What are you doing here?”

“Posting up flyers for some friends. The local farmer’s market is hosting a small little music festival with bands from around the area. My friends asked me to put it up, so here I am upholding my duties.”

“That sounds awesome.” Sean gives her a flyer and tells her that the music show starts around noon that upcoming Saturday.

“You guys should come. You can bring Kelley and your friends. I’m sure it’ll help with turnout seeing members of the women’s soccer team there,” she jokes.

Tobin nods, her smile never disappearing from her face. “Yeah, we’ll definitely try.”

“Great. It’ll be great to see you there.”

“Yeah. But hey, it’s…it’s good to see you now,” she says, fumbling over her words.  Sean touches her arm and squeezes it and the gesture warms her.

“You too.”

The bright smile on her ex-girlfriend’s face reminds her of what made Tobin ask her out in the first place. A contagious smile like that can be a life source.

Just as Kelley hands her drink and gestures to an empty table, her ex-girlfriend disappears out through the doors with one last goodbye. Tobin keeps her eyes just outside of the doors even though she’s long gone.

It’s not until she’s getting ready to sleep that night that Tobin admits to missing Sean more than she’d thought. She wonders if that changes anything.  

*

The day of the farmer’s market festival, Tobin checks two voicemail messages. The first one is from her mother about her cousin’s birthday. But the other stops her cold.

_Hey. I-I waited, like we planned. I waited to see if the feelings would pass and this desire for wanting to be with you would die down. And maybe it would fade over time, you know, but I don’t think I can spend my life waiting when the chance is right in front of us. I know we’d be risking a lot, but I know I’d be regretting a lot more if I never took it. I want to stop just wondering what this thing is between us; this, like, limbo. Because I want to take the chance with you but only if you want to. I’ll be at the practice field in an hour. If you don’t show, then I’ll take that as your answer._

She doesn’t move at first. She brings the phone down to repeat the message before listening to it again feeling like she’s just imagining it.

“Hey, we gotta go or we’re gonna be late for the festival.”

She looks up from her bed, mouth slightly agape, and stares at her roommate standing by the door not knowing what else to do.

“Did you hear me? We’re gonna be late.”

“Alex left me a message.”

Kelley stares at her, brows furrowed. “Then call her back later.”

“I don’t think this can wait.” With slightly trembling fingers, she repeats the message on speakerphone for the both of them to hear.

In no time, Kelley mirrors the expression on her face. “Holy…wow.”

“I don’t know what to do.”

“When did she call you?”

“Um, forty-five minutes ago.”

Before they can continue talking, Tobin’s phone vibrates and beeps to signal a message.

“Who is it?”

“Sean.”

“What does she want?”

Tobin reads aloud the message. “I don’t know if it’s kosher to text your ex-gf but whatever. I’m excited to see you today! I really think you’ll like it. We’ll wait for you by the main entrance.”

The seriousness in Kelley’s eyes confuses her but she doesn’t have time to think about it when Kelley hoists her up from the bed. “We gotta go.”

“What?”

“The farmer’s market is two streets over from the practice field.”

She shakes her head and stares at her roommate in desperate confusion.

“What does that-”

Kelley turns to face her. “It means you have to decide where you need to go.”

“But I don’t-I don’t…” she says, dumbly following her roommate towards the door.

“Decide in the car. But we have to go.”

Panic starts to sink into her system knowing she doesn’t know what she wants.

But the truth – the truth that she’s prayed herself over countless nights – is that she does know what she wants. She’s known what she’s wanted for as long as she can remember.

It’s the absolute fear she can’t shake off that cripples her in her place; she’s afraid to make a decision that can win her everything or lose her everything. 


End file.
